Memo #1

This one is dated 22092013


It has been in my phone memo for more than 4 months.



"The reason I don't like people to be nice to me is because I don't know how to say 'Thank You'.
And I definitely hate to do something wrong to anybody because I 'm so freaking weak at saying 'I'm Sorry'.
Come to think of it, I don't think I ever said it (to human beings).
I just don't apologize.

These are the reasons why I avoid inserting new people into my life.
The more of them I know, the more I would spend time doing things together with him/her, ans usually in most relationship, shit happens in the middle of it.
And one has to apologize to make up and the other has to forgive or apologize as well. I'm good at neither.

Also, after some time, if the particular person really makes me happy that I can laugh just by reminiscing our times together, I don't know how to really thank them.
The fact that I'm an introvert makes everything harder. I can't make them happy any closer to how they do to me.
Most of the time I just praise Allah for including people like them who make me smile even when I am at my worst. But at the same time I want them to know how much I value them too, and how afraid I am of the thought of losing them.

BUT I SUCK AT SHOWING MY TRUE FEELINGS.

I don't know. Maybe it's just me.

Maybe I'm not bornt with sweetness and ends up being different from other girls.
I don't like it when I find out that someone is actually hacing crush on me or at least would like to know me. 
Because I know, once he knows the real me, he will realize that he doesn't like it that much and in a blink of an eye he'll be gone. If I'm lucky I will be perfectly fine with it, but if I'm not I have started to like him as well and it will hurt me.

Some people can say the same shit like I say right now, but not all are feeling it.
I'm too afraid of people. I think I have anxiety. It's serious."


I wrote this in Abah's car. When I was passing a group of people who..well..socialize in their own way.

Sad Jan

It has been a really hard day today (as in yesterday since it's 0138 AM already).

I swear it was the worst day throughout my whole life here. 
I was scolded badly, and humiliated and there was really nothing I could do or say to back myself up.
Because I was obviously at fault, but it was my first time..and the lecturer told me off as is I had been doing it  many times already.

I agreed and nodded to everything she said but actually it was because I was holding back my tears from flowing down my cheeks that I wasn't able to say a thing.

I couldn't look into her eyes because I could seriously break down right at that exact moment.


Then I walked to my friend, keeping a straight face.
I acted like it didn't hurt me a bit, like it hadn't bother me a bit, like I didn't even give a damn.


But she suddenly asked, "Are you okay?"


And the tears rolled down and I could not stop it no matter how hard I bit my bottom lip.


We sat at the corner of a staircase and were just in silence for about 20 minutes.
I didn't want to talk about it, and she didn't know what to say.
I didn't want her to say anything too, though.
It was nice enough of her to still be on my side.


I got back to the room and reached out for the towel.
And I stayed for more than 30 minutes in the shower. Crying.


Because it was seriously, a fucking bad day.

I had a lot of things in my mind that I could say to defend myself, but I didn't, to respect her and to not create another problem.





It was the saddest January ever.

Logging off BECAUSE..

In about a minute I will shut down the laptop, and be offline.


Because I don't want to end my 2013 by being online or facing my laptop because it will sound so........not what I want.

So unproductive.

So bye.

I might find a book after this. 



End 2013 with a book, start 2014 with a book.



NOW DOESN'T THAT SOUND CLASSY AND EDUCATED. 

2013 ends in 45 minutes.

I swear to God 2013 feels like a blink of an eye.
Things are speeding so fast throughout this year.

I feel like not much has happened to me; which is a big regret.
:(

I should have done more, especially creating beautiful memories.
Anyway. I'm sure there are few remarkable things that had happened to me, I just need to dig every inch of my brain.


I'll try to remember bit by bit.

Early 2013, I was still working at the restaurant.
Was in relationship with J. Until somewhere in Feb (or March) when I found out that he cheated on me.
Got my driving license after failing the JPJ test TWICE.
Was scolded badly by the JPJ officer during the test on the road, I cried.
Later throughout the few months I was unemployed, I was doing almost nothing at home everyday.

Then I was called for interview for this Foundation program (after few calls from my mom).
I still feel that it's unfair though, even up until now.
I can't really remember the exact date of the interview, but it's around April I guess?
It was held in Kuantan and at that time there was this Big Bad Wolf booksale so we went there, again, for the second time.

After the longest time of my life, the results were out and I passed the interview!
Got into a U in Melaka.
Started to prepare things, and prepared myself physically and mentally.
My friend from the same (previous previous) school got the same place, so I felt relieved a bit and not worried much about how I would make friends.

Thennnnn my friend and I found out that we got into the same class to YAY!
That was the hugest relief I think.

To shorten the story, I shared the same room with two fun roommates :D
But there was a problem too (with and ABOUT them), and because it touched religious issue it was even harder for me, because I definitely was not the type to talk or give some sort of lecture about it.
I was really, really being easygoing towards most of my friends, I let them do what they love and I did what I wanted. But the problem that I faced at that time was actually very big, and I couldn't handle it alone (because they were both doing the same mistake and they knew it). Knowing that as a Muslim sister I was supposed to advise them, it was such a difficult time for me. 
And I ended up the first semester NOT advising them at all, what more touched that issue in front of them.

That was what I regretted the most, I swear.

Other difficult moments, I went through them well.

My final CGPA was B (or B+ I can't remember) and I was kind of sad too but wasn't depressed.
I knew I didn't try so hard.


I was satisfied a bit as I ended my first semester with new awesome friends and we are still so close until now and I love our friendship so much!


So in November I started my second semester.
New classmates, except 5 of them, they were from the same class as last semester.
New surrounding which I was very uncomfortable with during the first few weeks.

Later I found that not everyone was so smart, and anybody could come out as the first place in exam. 
I would try hard during this semester to beat them. Simply 'cause I want to prove myself. Because I noticed that some people were looking down on me.

Not that I give that much EFF though.

My happiness does not depend on anybody else.


So, I'm still in semester 2 now, I'm quite struggling, but thankfully so far I believe I managed my stress well.
One night I was so stressed so I stopped doing my work and started watching Hamtaro.
Realized that leaving childhood was my biggest hugest mistake.



If I could say anything about 2013...well, it has been the weirdest year.