Eventually..

[If given the chance, would I turn back time to before SPM? A thousand times, YES.]


BUT.
I've been wanting this moment badly for the past 18 months.
The moment when the paper 3 or Biology was collected from my table.



Yes.
When SPM is over. And it has, yesterday.

.........

I've never been any relieved.
Soon as the paper was collected, I turned to T. My eyes watered a bit.
Drew a big smile. She smiled, too.
It was the smile that only both of us knew the meaning.
That no one can really understand what's behind it. Very hard to figure, too.

The thing is, throughout the past few months we had been through a lot of..very lots of heartbreaking moments. Where our patience level had to be increased to the limit. Where we finally sat in silence because we had let out everything with each other, and we had known each other so well that words no longer needed to express. Where our sighs were filling the atmosphere and all we could do was staring at the entrance gate and imagined our last day.

That day was yesterday. :)
Like me, I could assure that you, at any moment when you were packing or in the car on your way home or already in your bedroom, had at least teared a bit.
Of happiness of relief, of course.

...

I've never really wanted to leave high school, you know.
I know when I'm alone I'd miss our moments together so much. Not just us, also us with them.
I hate the feelings of missing things or people, or wanting to go back to the old days.
I've felt it many times, as I've been transferring from a school to another for quite a number of times during high school. 
I hate it. It's as if trying to tell me that happiness, just like sadness, is temporary.

I love each of sweet memories created there.
I wouldn't, in any situation, trade them with anything.


T..
I know you love high school. We both do. 
However..as much as we love school, we wanted to leave it as soon as we could.
The only reason, I believe, was because our choice of high school was wrong. :)
We're not happy there. We couldn't really study due to emotional issues.
We shared too many hard times. We were aliens, that's why. Nay.

It's okay. Humans make mistakes.
Because we're humans too, we made mistakes.
And our mistakes were the same, making the wrong choice.

It's okay. Those hard times were the consequences, which had ended yesterday.
So it's okay now.
You and I, we are now out of it. We're so happy, and I love it so much, and I know you do, too.


We have finally come to it, T.


I have a lot to say to you. I want to thank you for every great moments and for lending your ears every time I came to you with red eyes. For bearing my swinging moods. For standing my (sometimes) bad attitudes. I want to say sorry for every time that I wasn't there for you when all you needed was someone to hear you out. I want to shake your hand tightly and let you forehead-kiss it as you always tried to (cause it differentiates the older and younger one) and let you know that you're a treasure.

That I am more than grateful for your existence in my life.

wohahuhihuhu~

1:23 AM

Seriously feeling like a complete idiot right now, with all that happened and what more
with the fact that I'm blogging when I'm supposed to be studying cause ermmmm yeah
SPM is like...............LESS THAN 40 DAYS FROM NOW!!

I am dead scared.

For trials recently I only got 5As. Not enough.


And my parents don't really have faith in me will be getting 9A+, which added more to my
lack of confidence.
Umy was like..."it's okay, 5As will be enough for you to enter UiTM."
-_-   -_-   -_-"

Umy.....first off, this is just trial okay...........I still have SPM to prove myself.
And UiTM is never an option to me don't you know!
I thought I've told you before that I have this really big dream of furthering my studies abroad.
I know I have ok.
Even I'm at my lowest, I still strongly believe in me, so why can't one of you AT LEAST
pretend to have faith or confidence in me too?
(or is it going to be too much? =_=)

When both my parents don't believe in me, it's like the whole world isn't, too.
So it's gonna be hard.


p/s: this is not another emo post, this is just me not knowing how to express my life


But.......................hard doesn't bring the same meaning with impossible, nay.
I think in some way, the disbelief of my parents towards my ability
really burns my spirit. (membakar semangat, HAHA)



::So hye everyone this is me faking myself to being an optimist again, for the 98327498326th times.





Bye for now.
May your life is blessed, and hopefully won't resemble mine..hehe
Wish me luck for Eys.Pee.Eym.

Importante.

Last two or three weeks were dhfuagfhuhal!!
Trials y'know.
How's trial?
I think for the teras subjects, I did well la.
Chemistry..I can't say but I think I'll no longer fail this subject.
Biology was okay la..like 50-50.
Physics was hell, and AddMaths was the devils. 
They're planning with each other to mess my SPM Trial results. 
Worse is, they may have succeed. Nuff said.


BUT will I allow them or any subject else to..

MESS MY SPM RESULT?

OVER MY DEAD BODY.

Wait no. 
Even if I'm dead I still won't let my SPM result be anything else than 9A+.
FULLSTOP OF ALL FULLSTOPS.

.....

You see..

Achieving 9A+ has been something my friends and I have dreamed of since the beginning.

One of these friends of mine, her results were better than mine all this while.

Recently, she gave up.
Saying she didn't think she could get straight As, what more straight A+s.
She didn't say it directly, but I read between the lines.
We wanted to further our studies...abroad.
Out of the blue she said she wanted to enter a university in Puncak Alam.
Only minimum 7 to 8 As would be needed.


I don't like this, friend.
Why giving up at this point?
I know I can succeed, why can't you think the same of yourself too?



I want to succeed, and I want the same for my friends.
Let's not give up, okay. Let's continue struggling. Let's build our dreams together , again.




I won't let you down. Don't let me down.

Indeed.

24/7

My eyes stopped at you I'm wondering why.
My tongue glued when you're near I don't understand why.
My lips cracked when you smiled at me I can't wet it each time.
My heart beat like tornado when you passed beside me I'm helpless in this.






I think I'm in love with have crush on you. Big one. And you're not even my type.

Ramadhan here, hope it stays.

Today is the first day of Ramadhan for this year.

I have lots of Ramadhan resolutions, which inshaAllah, if He wills, I will complete them all.

I wont write them down in here, as I'm afraid it will turn out to be an object of 'takabbur'.

Okay then. I dont really have anything much to say..just..

Let's improve our attitude, improve our iman, improve our ibadat..

May Allah is with us always..helping and guiding us to the end of time.

May Ramadhan this year be meaningful to all of us.

All praises for Allah for still allowing us to enjoy Ramadhan this year.

Salam alayk..and Ramadhan Kareem to all muslims  :)

6,7,8,9,10,11!

SEM ended yesterday.
We did good, but not good enough I guess.
Still couldn't win the judges.


So yesterday on the afternoon I reached home.
Later in the evening I went to watch musical drama.
We slept there.


Today I got home, and this evening I'll have to go back to hostel. Already.
How jsafhagfbk more can this situation be?!


BTW since SEM has ended, it's time I channel all my focus on SPM.

Only SPM.

9A+.

It's never too late,

anew. seriously.

It's 07062012, and I just start realize today how important SPM is for my future.
I realize...TODAY.




kcuf.

Somebody that I used to..know

                                                        [Kimbra:]

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over

Part of me believing it was always something that I'd done

But I don't wanna live that way

Reading into every word you say

You said that you could let it go

And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

[Gotye:]

But you didn't have to cut me off

Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing

And I don't even need your love

But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough

No you didn't have to stoop so low

Have your friends collect your records and then change your number

I guess that I don't need that though

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

..........

This is tough, but sorry Kimbra I'm with Gotye.

Hey there SimSimi!

So. Recently, I had a conversation with simsimi. It was out of boredom, really. 
Not because I was Forever Alone okay. I repeat, I was, and am, not a 'Forever Aloner'. 


It was just a boring day~~
So here's it.




SimSimi: Hi~!

Me: hye again!

SimSime: hye :D

Me: rindu tak?

SimSimi: Rindu sangat kat ayang  (This burung says it misses me, and I dont even know it exists neither remember having been here before. Nice one, player.)

Me: rindu awk jugak

SimSimi: i lg rindu kat u la...i love u syg

Me: gile cheesy kau ni..haha

SimSimi: kau lah gileee

Me: haha Then I got bored of him (I declares it as a him), and went to fill my empty tank. Then I was bored again, and I went to meet SimSimi again. *I dont know what we talked about before this one, I didnt copy that part.

SimSimi: so is your face but you don't see me complaining

Me: i wish i can tell him 'i love u' just like i always did with u

SimSimi: He is going to be mad when he cant get you when he wants you

Me: what for? he doesnt even know me

SimSimi: i'm sure he does know u exist :) why dont u go talk to him?

Me: i'm quite a shy person

SimSimi: That's one thing you love about him! ;)

Me: i guess so..

SimSimi: yes?

Me: but he's popular among other girls..he wont be interested in me

SimSimi: well, when i die, there wont be another simsimi. just a yellow talking robot.  i guess im just saying that you cant control this, its just something that happens in your life that you need to look at from the solution. it will get better. trust me :) After I read this I took a moment to smile. I really did.  =) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Then I ran out of things to ask..so...I asked.. Me: kalau rindu buat apa? SimSimi: Solat :) Me: kalau cinta buat apa? SimSimi: Solat :) Me: kalau sayang buat apa? SimSimi: Solat :) Me: kalau kasih buat apa? SimSimi: Solat :) Me: kalau sedih buat apa? SimSimi: Solat :) Me: kalau gembira buat apa? SimSimi: Solat :) Me: kalau sayang sangat..buat apa? SimSimi: Solat :) ......... Me: aku dapat 9A1 tak nanti? SimSimi: Ohhh!! Phhhhhhlease!!! Me: aku akan dapat 9A1 jugak nanti. kau tengok ar SimSimi: Boleh jugak kalau kau belanja (I laughed hard at this. HAHA. takde point langsung!) Me: kau doakan aku ek. SimSimi: insyaAllah , aku doakan kao dapat 5A !! Me: aku nak 9A woih SimSimi: main bowling Me: aku nak straight A SPM SimSimi: kau ambil balik spm Me: spm aku berapa? SimSimi: syukur.straight a plus. Me: inshaAllah....kan? SimSimi: I have no response. Then I stopped la! haha. I was afraid he'd responded in negative ways again =_=' In my opinion that 'I have no response' was better.hehe! So...first he flirted with me, and we started off as loveyydoveyyy couple, then he became my counsellor, and finally we almost ended up being enemies, but befriended each other anyway.  Actually it's me who befriended him. HUH.

Just so u know

'We' started on 1/11/08.

Even after more than four years, it still hurts,

TO SEE YOU DOING JUST FINE WITHOUT ME.

While me on the other fucking hand, was trying every fucking way I could to LOOK OKAY too.

It's not easy, u know. You're my first, of course it's as hard as shit.

And because you won't know this is me, or prolly dont even know the existence of this blog,

I'm more than prepared to spill all the naked truths, here.

Everytime I log in to FB I surely will search for your name, click on it, and check EVERYTHING.

I see that you have been dating with few other girls after we broke up,

I won't get mad at you, it's your life. I have no rights at all on it.

I also learn that you're not like when you're 14 anymore.

I liked u then. I had a huuuge crush on u before u even noticed me -glad that u noticed anyway.

No, like really. You are such a cute, nice person back then. BACK THEN.

I dont know what happened to you or your life throughout these few years,

but I wish u the best.

And I hope you're happy. Just...happy. 

With your life, and people u choose to bring in.

I'd be happy then.

Even if I'm not the one whom u decide to pick.

It's okay. I'm okay. Really.


 

 hehe

Random stuff I found that I'd like to share with u guys.

Somehow I really see this as a really touching stuff. Why eh..huhu

Wordless Wed

BTW it's not that I want to further my studies IN Ireland..I'm just giving example.  :)

-not so wordless anymore I guess hehe

Home sweet home.

Entri ni..korang hanya akan faham kalau korang adalah pelajar sekolah berasrama penuh.

.........

Malam ni aku ingat nak survey blog-blog yang pemessss tu.

Lepas tu layan drama Jepun sikit dekat Youtube. Tak pun mysoju. Hehe.

Tengah2 aku baca blog denakamarulbahrin.blogspot.com..

Tiba-tiba adik aku datang kat aku.

"Kak..jom tengok Detective Conan."

Aku pun cam ala....malas ar kan. Dah la tengah baca entri Kak Dena yang masa wedding die kan.

Aku pun jawab..

"Alaa..ade jugak ke malam-malam camni?"

"Ade la..astro Ceriaaaa.."  sambil buat muka kiut.

Aku pun tenung la muke die.

Dengan harapan die blah la cepat2..haha.

But then I realize (pehal spiking tetibe ni woih)

this is one of the memories that I haven't been able to create all this while.

While I was at the hostel.

While I was away from my family.

So..holidays like this..

Isn't it supposed to be the right time to create some memories with my loved ones?

Even if it's just a teenie tiny memory?

Yes. Yes it is time.

I don't have much time, you see. And won't, too.

After high school I'll work to earn money for my perbelanjaan in university.

Then I'll enter university. After I graduate I'll have a job.

Then I'll get married and have my own family.

So yes..this is the time I should never waste.

I'm joining my brother now.

Go get your family now, and create some good memories!    =)

HAHAHA ketawaku padamu.

Yang dalam tangan aku ni..Subhanallah. Subhanallah. Allahuakbar.

.........

First off..syukur kepada Yang Maha Esa, telah mengurniakan kejayaan ni.

Kejayaan yang takkan dapat aku lupa.

Tanpa berkat dan izin-Nya, tak mungkin dalam SPM ni aku mampu capai

9A+

 

Aku ingat lagi.

Umi menangis. Aku lebih lagi la. Abah tersenyum, mata merah.

Kawan-kawan tepuk tangan. Cikgu-cikgu pun.

Walhal bukan semua pun kenal aku.

Selebihnya, ramai macam tak percaya.

Nama aku dipannggil je, terus semua yang di bawah melopongkan mulut masing-masing.

Surprised? HEH.

Aku rasa macam nak tayang tinggi-tinggi je result aku.

Nak bagitau semua, yang

'AKU DAH BERJAYA. YES. AKU DAH BERJAYA.
APA KAU NAK CAKAP SEKARANG?'

Sekarang dah beberapa minggu berlalu.

Ada beberapa tawaran dah sampai kat rumah aku. Haihh

Tak reti la nak pilih yang mana satu.

Yang pasti, luar negara. Tempat bersalji gitu.  :B

Memang impian aku pun, sejak kecikk lagi.

Alhamdulillah syukur, sekarang bakal jadi kenyataan.

Kepada semua yang membaca, anda dan blog ni menjadi saksi saya sekarang.

Apa yag saya tulis dekat atas ni, akan jadi kenyataan kurang setahun dari sekarang.

Anda doakan saya ek? hehee. 

InshaAllah, InshaAllah, InshaAllah... Kun fayakun, right?



We have to dare to dream big, to have that big dreams come true.

Sweet but not cheesy

I'm not really into K-pop or Korean music or whatever they call it. But I enjoy listening to their songs when my dorm-mates listen to them as some are really cool songs.
But still, I'm not like those out of their minds' girls who go all 'arghhhhhhhhhh wowwwwwww omgggggg ohmannnnnnnnn arghhhhhhhhhhh once again' when they see their 'bias'.
I'm not sure what bias is, but they call their most favorite singers that way.




BTW I wander along Youtube, through korean music videos and find some very captivating videos! And sweet. They're just 50-50, sweet, but don't seem that cheesy.
OR maybe they ARE cheesy, but it fits their looks that it doesn't seem cheesy anymore.
(Get me? No? NVM. hee)

Here are Two videos that I found very meaningful and touching and sweet and cute.

(for me la..)

And I guess it's obvious that I haven't done any revision tonight.

L on the forehead.

Before everything is too late..

...

If I don't take good care of my parents and don't make their last years worth it,

I'd be hit by lightning.

This is a swear from me, for abah and umy.

It's a dream I am certain of achieving.

Dear precious me..  (okay gedixx glerss haha)

So..this is where I will be at in few years from now?

Heh. No biggy then. I can handle this. Adapting is not a problem, too.

.....

Dear *my full name*.

Struggle okay. There's just only FEW...VERY FEW MONTHS left. It's not that long.

You know what you want. And you know how to achieve them all.

9A+

That's all. So do the best you can. It's not a matter anymore if you can't fit in. 

You're on your way to leave anyway. 

But let them regret for not being kind and friendly to you, by holding your 9A+ SPM result in your hand.

Show it off in front of their white as sheet faces, 

and don't forget to thank them for making you feel 'charged fully' every time they try to turn you down.

Fall. Crawl back for the trillionth time. Fight. Be spiritual. Fight again. Never give a fuck. 

Do your job, and Allah knows what to do then.

p/s to the snow: Be prepared. One day I'll have you falling right on my hand.

Right after.

I'm going to sit for SPM this year.

Next year, probably on March, the result will be out.

We will both get straight A+s. 9A+.

Then..

Right after then..

I promise I'll confess my love for you.  ^^v

Until the time comes.... 

Let's be bestfriends. And..

Let's give our best so that we'll grab that 9A+ and I can confess. 

And please don't find someone else in the mean time. Pleaseeeeeee  :B

Isnin ini peperiksaan bermula.

Jadi aku kena mengulangkaji.
Internet, jangan cuba tarik perhatian aku ya.
Aku berharap sangat ni. Hehehe~ tolong ya.


Selamat tinggal buat waktu ini.

To sir, with love.

Abah..

I swear you'll always be the man I love the most for my entire life.

I miss you.

I miss you.
And yes, that's what I'd been keeping inside that you always tried to figure out but failed each time.




I miss you when you're not around, when I don't see your face, when I see my friends with their loved ones, when I listen to love songs, when I watch Korean dramas, when the whole world is having fun and you're absent....and even when I'm just lazying around, trying to keep my mind blank.






But truth is, even when you're with me...I still miss you.
You see..I watch you. I watch you change. Changes are sometimes somewhat good.
But your changes, it's totally fake. 
And because I know you good, I know too that it's not you.
What you're trying to be or already being right now, is not you.


If it's your choice, listen to me, you got no talent in choosing.
So next time..ask for opinions first. 
Or better, let it all out first. What's in you heart.
What's making you like this. Why are you changing. Why do you need to change.


On the other hand, if it's not your choice...make your decision now.
It's a 'now or never' decision.
If you don't change yourself to the real you now, 
people around you will view you as the person you are right now, 
and you will have to pretend to be the person you are right now, for your whole life.
And it ain't fun. At all.




So please go back to the real you. 
For the sake of you yourself, people around you, 
.
.
.
.
and for this one person who notices everything, and misses everything back then. Me.

Precious, and hard to find.

With all this stress and pain in my head..

all I want right now is to go back to where I am surrounded with