There's only one you, so be you, and you'll be different.

The biggest challenge in life is to be yourself in a world where everything and everyone around you is trying to make you like everyone else, and not you.

p/s: Quotes like this is really helps, especially now that we're in this era.

I don't know why you're my parents.

 Sometimes you just hide everything from me, but then you get your head up and I look into your eyes and I see everything you're hiding. The pain. And it rips my heart to know that I'm the reason behind all that pain in your eyes. Just kill me, won't you?

I'm not the kind of daughter any parent would want to have,

not the kind of student any teacher would want to teach,

not the kind of friend anyone would want to befriend with,

not the kind of girl any guy would want to go out with,

not the kind of person anybody would want to know.

Have I mentioned that I'm also not the kind of daughter any parent would want to have?

Oh, oh yes I have.

Throughout my life I have been such a mess.

I've been such a burden.

I don't know why I'm still alive. I don't and can't find the reason.

I don't know what have I done to my parents and all the people around me.

I think I haven't done anything. Yet? Yet.

Sometimes when I thought of how much I have been burdening my parents,

I realized I was such a jerk and I cried till my eyes are all popped-out.

A child is supposed to turn out to be at least 20% like his/her parents.

So I really can't figure out where do I come from.

Both my parents are so...so good, so pure..sinful is unavoidable, and they have flaws,too..

But..other than that...they're the best two persons I've ever known on earth.

Of course, excluding the prophet la.

They are so patient and accept whatever life brings to them..and they don't care what people say of their children, they just bear with it and they are kind. They're kind.

I can't find people like them anywhere else in this world.

And it hurts me real deep every time I think of their sad luck for having to have a daughter like me.

They deserve a better child. They really do.

So yeah. Why I am their daughter is still a mystery.

But then, until I am able to find out the answer, I promise to do my best in becoming a good daughter to them.

One day when I've succeed I promise I'll succeed more.

I promise my father that all his love and money that has been used up on me is going to worth it.

I promise my mother that all her love and support on me all this while is going to worth it.

I promise my parents that all their tears and each drop of their sweat, will worth it.

If I don't fulfill my promise then I'd rather die.



Family: Father and Mother, I love you.

They say bad things happen for a reason. Letting go isn't really a bad thing, nay?

Letting go is like pulling out a tooth.

You have been holding on to it for so long. Even when it is shaky already, you still don't let it go.

Then it starts hurting you yourself. Realizing you no longer need it to stay alive, you pull it out.

When it is pulled out, you're relieved and it doesn't hurt you anymore..

But how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot where the tooth was once?

Probably hundred times a day.

Just because it is not hurting you doesn't mean you do not notice it.

It leaves a gap and sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly.

It's going to take a while to heal everything..

But of course, good thing always takes time isn't it?

Should you have just kept the tooth?

No, it will only bring you pain. To yourself.

You have known for quite some time that you don't need the tooth anymore.

You just hesitated at first.

Now that you have let it go..it's turn to move on.

New tooth will come out.

=)

'cause everynight I'm talking to the moon..

It has been 17 years since then.

And I've learnt too many of the things a growing-up girl shouldn't have.

Guess I'm too vulnerable.

But if I am given the chance to turn back time, go back and make everything better..

I guess I wouldn't want it.

These experiences, bitter and sweet..I can't find anywhere else.

I can't find in lives of anyone else.

If I go back and change everything, I won't have these experiences in my head

and these experiences are the ones that I will tell to the public when I'm an author someday.

If I lose them, what else am I supposed to tell to my readers. Kan.

Not everybody enjoys happy story right.

If people want happy story then they have Disney.

For me..I love realistic things.

If I write a story, I want it to be as real as it can possibly be.

My family story is the most realistic story.

We're not a happy family.

We are far from it.

This house we're living in..it keeps so many secrets that I believe it has been suffering from critical headache and with just one more fight between the family, it can collapse abruptly.

I feel like we can make a museum out of it.

Full of stories of this family.

Okay. Enough of that.

Experiences..heh.

You have no idea what I have in mind. Too many.

You didn't go through what I did.

I've gone through so many things throughout my life.

People just jump into conclusion like I'm boastful and stuffs because I hardly smile but..

THEY DON'T KNOW ME. So how could they.

Number one, I'm a smiley.

Number two, you're wrong in every shit you say about me.

Number three, I'm a fool now for even giving a damn.

So I'll stop worrying about what you think of me, and continue walking my way.

And I'll put a smile on my face and never tear it, you know why?

'Cause I know how much it gives you hell.   :)

A reminder for you and for me myself:

"If you will call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, no matter how adverse you circumstances may seem to be."

Btw, in whatever you do..remember that 

You have your people with you, and even if you have no one, there's God.

It's only 21 Jan, and I'm already put under excessively high pressure.

Last few days were super depressing and messy.

In few more days, there will be an exam.

How good do you expect my result would turn out to be..?

How do I study with this condition?

But then..

Come to think of it..the earth won't stop spinning just because one person on it is feeling dizzy.

So, yeah. It's just on me now.

Whether I stay sad, or stay strong.

.

.

.

.

.

I choose to stay strong.

That's what's good, and what's best.

Btw, I feel stupid now for acting emotionally and not rationally back then.

I wish instead of just cried, I would ask them why they suspected me.

I'm sure they wouldn't be able to answer. Or even if they did answer, their best answer would be like 'because your face looks suspicious and full of evil aura'. 

WtF.

Haters. What else can I say about them..nay.

Enough of that topic. Who enjoys telling sad story kan..LOL so why do I keep thinking about it.

About exam. I'm so effing scared. Done.

Subjects to be highlighted;

Chemistry

Biology

Physics

Add Maths

Maths Mod

Just one more push and I'll die.

This week..truly has been the worst week ever.

I fell sick, and got suspected of stealing my own dorm-mates' stuffs.

 

I know. Reading it is simple. Imagining it, well it's also simple.

But to be in my shoes..(?)

You can never, never ever imagine how I felt, how hurt I was, how painful it was.

Yes, it IS that hard.

So. I'll give you the 'synopsis' which has been shortened since the story is too long and I don't have much time these days.

One fine evening, one of my dorm-mates, Anna, found that few things have been missing lately.

Stuff A belongs to Ecca.

Stuff B belongs to Yanny.

Stuff C and D belongs to Dally.

Enna told the MPPs about the missing stuffs, and because it is mysteriously suspicious, we planned to do spot checks. Started with our dorm lah. And, guess which is the last dorm? Our dorm.

Cause all those missing stuffs..were found in our dorm.

Stuff A was found in Enna's pail.

Stuff B was found in MY LOCKER wtf.

Stuff C was found in Dally's own blazer.

Stuff D was found in Anni's locker.

As much as this shit has shocked me to the max, knowing the MPPs actually thought that I did all that was difogasgfiwhfvsuaihvlsdgvoisauhosadgvsivgilcvsvgasdyivgkugoi!

Actually they suspected two persons, Anni and me.

The two most innocent persons what..!

How it ever crossed their minds was still a mystery to me.

I cried like sdhfksy that night and I couldn't sleep because I was too sad and suffocating.

I just hoped the doer would, no matter how impossible it sounded, would actually came to the front and admitted her wrongdoings, and cleared my good name. Even if it's not that good essentially.

Just that.

I just hoped of that. And I prayed non stop in my heart so that she would raise the white flag.

Or to have a little sympathy on me when she saw me being accused like that. And watched me crying real hard like everything was falling apart. I just wanted her to at least find some humanity deep in her heart.

Really. Just that.

.

.

.

.

.

So I waited..

.

.

.

.

Waited until the MPPs finally went back to their dorm.

.

.

.

.

Until the wall clock finally stroke at 4 and everybody else fell asleep.

.

.

.

.

And the day ended.

Still nothing. Everyone went to school the next morning like usual.

Like they were accepting the fact that I was the doer.

Then the discipline teacher alias my Add Maths teacher found out about this too.

To this, again, I cried like sgfkkbvkabgvk.

Which one do you think he would trust more, his MPPs, or me, his student who had always failed in Add Maths no matter how many times had he thought the same thing?

You see..

I tried to be strong with every fiber of my being but it's not easy, my heart felt like it was being torn every time I passed in front of the MPPs' dorm and when I walked anywhere people was looking at me like I was some kinda shit. Shit. 

I really did tried, you know. But I guess I wasn't that good in acting.

What more with the swollen eyes and black eye-bags worse than pandas.

That was what on one hand.

On the other hand..

I was more than grateful to know that there were still people who trusted in me, and believed that Anni and I weren't that sort of creatures.

These people, I treasure them more than anything else in the world.

I'm not good with words when using mouth, I can't even defend myself, but my heart keeps everything and when the time comes..I'll let 'em know how much I love them.

*all names included are not real

*MPP = Majlis Perwakilan Pelajar (in other words, prefects)