21052014 - The day that I make up my mind.

It's 0507, and I still haven't slept.
I've been thinking a lot, thank God, because if I haven't I may not have figured this out.

I seriously, extremely serious, have never been this serious, will further my study abroad.
Maybe not for degree, maybe for Master. And PhD as well.

Big dreams? Yes.
That's my motto. Dream big. AND work toward it.
In the mean time, DON'T FORGET TO ENJOY LIFE TO THE FULLEST.
Because as we all know, we can never turn back time.

I'm only 19 for once. And fortunately I am able to decide what I want to do in the future at this age.
Alhamdulillah for this small step I made this morning.

I have always wanted to study overseas, but never really worked toward it.
This time I'm being dead serious that nothing can stop me and my determination INSHA-ALLAH.

I am not qualified to sit for the Medsi test (which I really don't understand WHY but after some thoughts I realize that it's what I want too -because I don't want to be in teaching profession, and Allah helps me in Its own way -Alhamdulillah), but there so many other options.
It helps me to open my eyes so I can see and observe everything right from the scratch.

This tiny bump cannot stop me from continuing my journey on this road.
I mean, I have dreamed of studying abroad ever since forever!
I won't stop at 19 just because of some messed-up system or whatever it is -not that I care enough.

I believe in Allah and I know I just need to work it out and never give up NO MATTER WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE and never stop praying because Allah always listens. Always.



-Alive.

Late night, early morning.

I have many big dreams.

I am never scared or afraid of anything in dreaming.
I never think of what the circumstances are, or what might be the obstacles, or will it work for someone like me.
I have never had those kind of thoughts.

I believe nothing is impossible.
With Allah's blessing, NOTHING is impossible.
None of those that I dream.

It's not like I dream someday I want to be able to drink through my hand while watching the tv in my sleep.

All my dreams are big, and achievable. Of course.


Late night, early morning.
What does it mean?
It means that, an end, is basically just a beginning of something new.

I am not leaving the old me, I just want to improve.
If I stay the same, I can never get what I dream.
So yeah. Improve. AND Istiqamah.


What I have learnt recently: The whole idea about changing ourselves just to fit in is just a total stupidity. I had been there few times, ended up not being myself at all, and was bitchy almost all the time even knowing the fact that I would hurt some people.
I learnt my lessons not long after that, which helped me become a better person, and most importantly, helped me to be me. To be happy the way I am. To be grateful for being me.


Life has actually taught me a lot of lessons, though sometimes I think it's being unfair to me.

ATTENTION PLEASE!! PERHATIAN!!

I AM PROMOTING...................MYSELF.

Yep.
(-.-)

Okay, I know, it does not sound that exciting anymore but hey listen

okay.

I am going to do the service of......translating!! :D
I am going to translate anything that you want me to, but only from Malay to English.
(because that's all I know, hashtag sadlife)

SO if you (yes, you who read this, though probably not that many) have anything (just ANYTHING, documents, stories, files, a will, just ANYTHING) to translate, just contact me (comment down here, give your email.)  and you can e-mail me (after I have e-mailed you) and you can send me a short piece of whatever you are trying to translate, and I will translate and let you judge it first. :B
(please be kind though)

ANDDD if you are interested, give me the full version and I'll translate it all.

Of course it's not free (sorry, I'm broke), BUT you can pay for my service as much as you like.


QUICK! TELL OTHERS ABOUT THIS! 

This one girl.

I know this one girl.
Wait.
Maybe I should say; I KNEW this one girl.

She's sweet, she's kind, she doesn't talk bad about other people (though sometimes she expresses her disappointment towards some people's behaviours), and she's a really good friend.

Then she met this one guy.
And I thought that guy was nice. She must be thinking the same thing as well because it didn't take her that long to get attached to him very closely.

She had started to slowly be apart from me, but I acted like it never bothered me and I tried to be natural, hoping that she'd never declare her relationship in front of me.


But she did.

And things only worsened afterwards.
I barely contacted her, and neither did she.
I guess she didn't need me that much, not as much as I needed her.

I became quite lonely and even though I was already used to it, this one had me like "oh. man. i shouldn't even be here near u guys. gosh. sorry. bye."


They made it really awkward for me to be there. They made inside jokes.
They didn't insert me in any conversation.
They made me feel GUILTY to be near them.


If I talked to her about this she would have denied it but for God's sake, girl, I know you.
I mean, I KNEW you.


And we just sort of stopped talking to each other anymore.




There's this girl, whom I once knew very well. 

I don't know how it ends up this way.

Memo #1

This one is dated 22092013


It has been in my phone memo for more than 4 months.



"The reason I don't like people to be nice to me is because I don't know how to say 'Thank You'.
And I definitely hate to do something wrong to anybody because I 'm so freaking weak at saying 'I'm Sorry'.
Come to think of it, I don't think I ever said it (to human beings).
I just don't apologize.

These are the reasons why I avoid inserting new people into my life.
The more of them I know, the more I would spend time doing things together with him/her, ans usually in most relationship, shit happens in the middle of it.
And one has to apologize to make up and the other has to forgive or apologize as well. I'm good at neither.

Also, after some time, if the particular person really makes me happy that I can laugh just by reminiscing our times together, I don't know how to really thank them.
The fact that I'm an introvert makes everything harder. I can't make them happy any closer to how they do to me.
Most of the time I just praise Allah for including people like them who make me smile even when I am at my worst. But at the same time I want them to know how much I value them too, and how afraid I am of the thought of losing them.

BUT I SUCK AT SHOWING MY TRUE FEELINGS.

I don't know. Maybe it's just me.

Maybe I'm not bornt with sweetness and ends up being different from other girls.
I don't like it when I find out that someone is actually hacing crush on me or at least would like to know me. 
Because I know, once he knows the real me, he will realize that he doesn't like it that much and in a blink of an eye he'll be gone. If I'm lucky I will be perfectly fine with it, but if I'm not I have started to like him as well and it will hurt me.

Some people can say the same shit like I say right now, but not all are feeling it.
I'm too afraid of people. I think I have anxiety. It's serious."


I wrote this in Abah's car. When I was passing a group of people who..well..socialize in their own way.

Sad Jan

It has been a really hard day today (as in yesterday since it's 0138 AM already).

I swear it was the worst day throughout my whole life here. 
I was scolded badly, and humiliated and there was really nothing I could do or say to back myself up.
Because I was obviously at fault, but it was my first time..and the lecturer told me off as is I had been doing it  many times already.

I agreed and nodded to everything she said but actually it was because I was holding back my tears from flowing down my cheeks that I wasn't able to say a thing.

I couldn't look into her eyes because I could seriously break down right at that exact moment.


Then I walked to my friend, keeping a straight face.
I acted like it didn't hurt me a bit, like it hadn't bother me a bit, like I didn't even give a damn.


But she suddenly asked, "Are you okay?"


And the tears rolled down and I could not stop it no matter how hard I bit my bottom lip.


We sat at the corner of a staircase and were just in silence for about 20 minutes.
I didn't want to talk about it, and she didn't know what to say.
I didn't want her to say anything too, though.
It was nice enough of her to still be on my side.


I got back to the room and reached out for the towel.
And I stayed for more than 30 minutes in the shower. Crying.


Because it was seriously, a fucking bad day.

I had a lot of things in my mind that I could say to defend myself, but I didn't, to respect her and to not create another problem.





It was the saddest January ever.