One of those wonders in my blank.

I wonder..
have I met the person I am going to marry?

Because if I have..I don't feel so good about it because I don't think I have ever really loved any of my ex-boyfriends, and neither do I feel the sparkles whenever I see anyone.

Also, yes, I have crush on few people, mostly because of their physical.
I usually like guys because they are handsome, cute, or stylish and so on on.
Then I will start to notice everything about them.


But lately...there's this guy.
And he's just.......not handsome. He's gap-toothed and has this very Chinese look.
I rarely noticed him at first. But after a while I started to be attracted to him.
I get the feeling that he's a very good person, and somehow the attraction is very strong.
It's not like any other crushes I have had before, because those are the ones that I don't mind having and keep thinking about it.

But this guy, I feel like I seriously have to restrain.
At some point I think he's too good for me. At some other point I 'm just not his level. He may not even look at me as a 'possible option'.


Funny. 
Funny how I keep telling myself (before entering this sem) that I won't be having crush on any pretty guys anymore, and somehow I don't, but instead I'm falling so hard on this a-lil-bit-more-than-average looking guy.

Seriously, I hate it.
I want to live happily, for Gods sake!



Feelings are stupid, haih.

MEMO

these days i kept clicking 'create new post' about five times a day and ended up closing the tab without publishing anything.
it's like i have something in my mind that i really want to let out,
but somehow i can't express anything.
my head would go blank every time.


and now i'm posting this bullshit.


anyway. i always have the tendency of wanting to write something long at the wrong time.

like right now, since i'm home, i have nothing to write.
once i'm out, whether i'm in the car or walking somewhere else, i feel like i have to stop somewhere and write something at that exact moment.
if i wait until i'm home, i might lose all the details of what i want to write about.

so i write in my phone instead.
in the Memo.

eventually i have a lot of things written in there, mostly about what happened around me.
that's why i don't give my phone easily to anyone, and created a security screen lock.


i just don't share my feelings and thoughts with anybody.
i haven't found anyone who really cares to know anyway.


it's okay though.
LIFE IS LIVED ALONE.

the thing about karma is

I just realized that my last post and the one before it relates with each other.
Both were about getting married.
Is fate playing with me? Because..
Fate, it's not funny. I don't like this game.
You make me sad.
You took away one guy who I secretly admired for years and fooled me into thinking he was perfect so that I would fall deeply once I learned the truth.

*breakdown*

I don't think I've ever fallen in love with anyone.

But I once had fallen in almost-love with this guy, Wan. 

Today on FB I saw few pictures of him....getting married.

And I cried. I wept, wept, and wept as if someone so precious to me has been snatched away.
I was partially true; Wan was precious. But he was not snatched away.

He just made his choice.

I realized it. But still I can't force this tears to stop.
Feelings, I believe, is uncontrollable.
Just like I can't prevent my feelings to Wan, I can't stop this sadness that stabs through my heart like an arrow. This feels like a heartbreaking. Is this it?


On one of his picture, he prayed for this journey to be filled with happiness and blessings, and ended it with 'Amin..'

I was still crying with clenched teeth, shaky hands and head almost trembling because of the pain..
I slowly opened my mouth, gathered all my strength..and within the wind I whispered, "Amin"





'Even if I can't explain, this is how I feel..should I die?' -Leessang